My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.