Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
dam girl
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
don’t be scared
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The Weeknd is back