me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
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I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
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Me: Same
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”