Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose