October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Cndnsd Mlk
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away