a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
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If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Thursday Thought.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…