Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You Might Also Like
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”