Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.