Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.