How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home