Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
do horses think humans are hats
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there