she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
But wait…
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
the official breakfast of 2021