When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Something Saturday.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.