One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
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sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
“What?”
– Jude
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.