accurate
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My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry