Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.