Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
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I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.