They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake