I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball