ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Mountain Goat : )
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean