Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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emergency phone
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW