I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
some Old Testament wisdom
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
translated into Canadian
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.