It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”