I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.