Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You Might Also Like
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased