Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.