*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
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no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes