Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
waiting for halloween be like:
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.