When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
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“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume