I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.