satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape