COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart