being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Spider-cat: No One Home
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
incredible book dedication