If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
this isn’t threatening at all
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game