Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.