It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
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it is time once again
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Welcome
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.