I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”