Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
quarantine day 3
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?