Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.