🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Is….Is this an option?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.