My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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just got my engagement photos
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you