[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god