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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July