“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”