GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that