*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.