7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes