Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
i now pronounce you bounced.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe