More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Imma just leave this here…………
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.