Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When libraries troll their patrons.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.